confiding

You know what I discovered? I never have to confide in anyone.

It's interesting to hear that statement the same day that I hear someone else say that they make things untraceable so that their particular situation doesn't have to get any more complicated than it needs to be. With social networking sites around, we can easily stalk people. We can find out what they're doing, their desires, who's in their life, all all the juicy details that the gossip mill brings in. Until something "goes wrong" and investigations start or we choose to come clean, we don't really think about how traceable we really are. Can we ever truly hide from our past? Can we ever truly disappear and change who we are? Start over? It's the same as saying that we have a second chance. We lie to ourselves that we wipe the slate clean. The slate can never be wiped clean. What we can do is to accept our past and everything that has happened or that we have done and move on, after learning and growing with those experiences. What we can do is to show that we've changed or reformed after experiencing what we have.

So is there any point in saying that we don't have to confide in anyone? I believe there are people who go through life not confiding in anyone. I'm not sure if I could. At one point in time, I thought I could. I thought I was anonymous and I thought I could hide myself behind my blog. Now I realize that it's not true. If someone really wanted to find out, they could. It's not even about me choosing to confide in anyone. My secrets aren't always kept in confidence. People are human and even if there's no intention to cause hurt or betrayal, secrets are shared. It's a lonely life not to confide in anyone. 

Testing 123

I got tested today. By my significant other. It was a small question to see my reaction. However, considering everything that's been happening recently, I didn't feel entirely that it was a small question. I answered as calmly as I could and asked for a good reason why I should be okay with him doing something as outrageous as what he mentioned (by the way, this is all by text message).

Lo and behold, 3 hours after that, I get home from work and videocall him and he explains to me exactly what happened. I've been duped and duped good.

It seems that these days, so many people are "testing" their significant other. Where's the trust? For my significant other, it wasn't really his trust for me. He wanted to know how much I trusted him and how much I cared. For quite a few of the people I've spoken to recently, however, they want to test their significant other to see if they are trustworthy. Best example would be my brother trying to test his girlfriend with one of his friends trying to hit on her and him okay with it to see how she would react and how far she would take the situation.

I find this sort of behaviour unjustified. If there's a trust issue, then there's a trust issue. It doesn't give permission for one individual to "test" the other and see if things work out the way they should. 

On another note, I'm in the process of trying to make my own 2012 agenda rather than buy one. I spent some time choosing the notebook I want to use and I've finally decided on one, even though it's slightly heavier/bigger than I was looking for. I guess it'll end up being an 18-month agenda, which works out nicely.

Anyway, having now finished reading and watching Snow Falling on Cedars, I loved both and think they were both fantastic, especially the book.

timing

Timing is key.

Humans are curious creatures. I truly stand by that and believe it. I'm curious. The best example is when I bumped into someone I used to have a "crush" on. I haven't spoken to that individual in a long time, but he still seems the same. He's one of those guys that fits pretty much everything on the "list". Timing wasn't right and I didn't think there was anything to pursue back then. There's nothing pursue now either, but curiosity is there. It's that big "what if" question floating in my mind about whether or not there could have been something between us. I've spoken to a couple of people recently who are also somewhat stuck in a "what if" situation. Actually, they're not really stuck. They're simply indulging themselves and allowing themselves the liberty to think about what if because they know they have moved on in their lives already but can spare a moment to think about an alternate/parallel universe where we make different decisions.

I told someone very important to me today that words are very powerful. I mean it. He knows it. From the moment we met each other, we both knew and acknowledged the importance of words. That's why I try to think before I speak because my choice of words in every situation could change the way a conversation is going or the way someone views me or even the way that my life is shaped (in a broader longer-term state). The words that you choose to say/express can impact someone else depending on their emotional state. Someone who's down on life and who's having a difficult time seeks solace in another's words and actions. They may want to hear certain things or feel certain things and if you offer what you can't really give, they might not realize it. That sets them up for a fall that they may not be ready for. The timing with which you say certain things to someone can also change your path. Two people who had something good going on could reach a point in their lives where they don't care enough to do anything to keep things going. It would only take a simple word or two to "end" things or leave things and move on. Not saying something when it should've been said could mean regretting when you look back on your life. It could mean losing the chance you had at one point in time.

We come to crossroads all the time. With every new person we meet, every person who's already in our life, with ourselves. I've been hearing "we only live once" quite a lot recently. I'm not sure I've met very many people who can say they have no regrets. I'm not even sure there's one single person I've met who isn't curious about something in their past (i.e. what would have happened if they had done something differently). Even if we can probably figure out what would have happened, we don't know for sure because we didn't walk down that path. We didn't act on the "what if" and 5 years or 10 years or even 25 years down the road, we might think back to it and wonder about it.

I don't regret where I am in life right now and I guess that's what matters most. I do wonder what if a lot but it doesn't mean that I would have done everything differently. In fact, I'm in a happy place overall. These "what ifs" are simply there because I think too much and I have too much time to think about it. I'm very indecisive and I over analyze. That's me since day 1.

Flying business class

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